


Snap That Schitt

by PositivelyBedeviledSchitthead



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Marvel Universe, Schitt's Creek - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:55:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 15,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24192433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PositivelyBedeviledSchitthead/pseuds/PositivelyBedeviledSchitthead
Summary: The MCU/Schitt’s Creek crossover you didn’t know you wanted!  This is a “what happens when” fic that tells the story of David and Patrick and others in Schitt’s Creek who disappeared as the result of Thanos’ “snap” in the last Avengers movie.  Our friends reappear in the exact locations they disappeared from five years earlier—which makes for some interesting, awkward, and at times, hilarious, moments.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose, Stevie Budd/Mutt Schitt
Comments: 39
Kudos: 42
Collections: Reel Schitt's Creek Prompt Fest





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [Reel_Schitts_Creek](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/Reel_Schitts_Creek) collection. 



Stevie reluctantly dragged herself out of bed and into the shower. A day off was a day off. She was determined not to waste it by sleeping in no matter how tempting that idea was. Letting the hot water pour down her back she allowed herself a rare moment to reflect on the past few years and how everything in her world had changed almost instantaneously. “The Vanishing” as she’d come to call it, in honor of the **horrible** Sandra Bullock movie David had made her watch, still haunted her. Unlike the movie, however, there was no evidence that anyone had been buried alive, there was nothing. Nothing but dust. 

As the water rapidly turned to ice, Stevie reminded herself ‘everything’s changed except this crappy little apartment.’ She stepped out of the shower and pulled a bath sheet around her, wiping the mirror off with a corner of the towel. She stared hard at her reflection—she seemed even shorter with her hair cut short, but it suited her lifestyle and new job better than her long hair had. And Mutt liked it—but Mutt liked everything. 

Thud! 

Stevie froze. ‘What the fuck was that?’ she wondered. Then she heard laughter and relaxed. Speaking of Mutt… 

She opened the bathroom door and walked down the short hall that separated her bedroom from the front door and bathroom of her apartment. Then she screamed.


	2. No Idea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stevie discovers what made the thud and realizes David and Patrick don't have any idea what's happened.

“What in the actual fuck?” David cried out as his bare ass hit the floor. He looked up and saw Patrick leaning over the bed laughing at him. He grinned and started to get up. Then he heard a woman scream. 

He turned his head towards the sound and was instantly disoriented. Nothing looked the same as it had last night. Or maybe it did. He’d been so focused on finally getting time to “connect” with Patrick and trying to convince Patrick that there had been no “we all” in the Stevie, Jake, David throuple that he hadn’t really paid that much attention to Stevie’s apartment. And who was this woman standing there in a towel screaming and crying and wheezing in front of him. It was all very confusing. He shook his head to try to clear it. When he looked up, he saw curtains that he surely would have noticed last night—wouldn’t he? They were blue paisley with ruffles—they were hideous. Surely, he hadn’t been that focused on getting laid, had he?

David felt Patrick slide off the bed behind him. He guided the woman to a chair and encouraged her to take deep breaths. 

David’s eyes met Patrick’s and they both saw their own confusion mirrored in the other’s eyes. 

“Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God,” the woman was muttering. 

David’s eyebrows shot up. He knew that voice. “Stevie?” David asked hesitantly. The woman looked up, eyes wild and brimming with tears. 

“Oh, fuck! David. What? How?” She stuttered. Then she pinched herself hard on the arm. “Ouch” she cried out, dropping her head again and sobbing. 

Patrick stood beside her rubbing her back. “Take a deep breath,” he said in his most calming, and to David’s ears, endearing voice. “That’s it. Take a breath in. Okay, now let it out. Good. Just like that. Breathe in. Breathe out.” 

David didn’t have a fucking clue what was happening, but he was impressed, as always with Patrick’s take charge approach. He found himself breathing in and out along with Patrick’s soothing instructions.

He slowly knelt in front of Stevie putting his hand on her knee. “Stevie, what’s wrong? Why are you back here? Where’s Jake? And what the fuck did you do to your hair?” 

Patrick shot him a warning look. 

“Ermm,” David continued, “I mean, are you going to be okay?”

Stevie suddenly lunged into his arms nearly knocking them both over. “Oh, my God, David. It’s really you!” She was laughing and crying and holding him tighter than he’d ever been held in his entire life. 

David patted her and hugged her back. He mouthed to Patrick, “What in the hell?” Patrick shook his head and shrugged his shoulders. “I have no idea,” he mouthed back.

“Stevie,” Patrick said softly. 

“Umm, yeah,” she said pulling herself away from David and wiping her eyes. 

“Uh, where are our clothes?” Patrick asked. 

It wasn’t until that moment that David realized that he was completely naked and that Patrick was standing there in nothing but his cute little boxer shorts. 

David had been waiting weeks for last night, and he had to admit, he’d kind of been looking forward to this morning too, but here they were dealing with whatever this was instead. He couldn’t help but give Patrick a lascivious grin which, of course, made Patrick blush. 

Stevie pulled away from David completely. “What?”

Patrick cleared his throat. “I umm…I was just asking where our clothes are?” Patrick repeated.

Stevie looked down at David. Realizing he wasn’t wearing any clothes, she jumped off him. “Oh, my God, Patrick. I’m so sorry.” 

Patrick smiled at her. “It’s okay, really. It doesn’t matter. If you can just get us our clothes and excuse us for a minute, we’ll both get dressed and then we can all sit down and talk about whatever’s going on with you.”

“What’s going on with _me_?” Stevie stammered looking from David to Patrick and back again. 

Her face blanched. She looked like she might vomit. “Oh, my God. You have no idea do you?”


	3. 2023

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's 2023 and Jake shows up.

Stevie silently stood up and walked down the hall towards her closet. David and Patrick stared at each other—neither sure of how to proceed. 

David finally broke the silence, calling after her, “Stevie, what are you doing? Just give me my Givenchy jeans I was wearing last night.” 

“Just a second!” Stevie yelled from the end of the hallway. David recognized that tone. That was Stevie’s ‘shut the fuck up and let me think’ tone of voice. He stood up and sat on the edge of the bed pulling the blanket across his lap. This was definitely NOT the blanket that had been on the bed last night and the bed was at least two feet further into the room than it had been. The sex had been great but not bed-moving great. David was thoroughly confused—which was not an uncommon state for him—but this was a whole other level of confused. 

Patrick sat down beside him and put his hand on David’s arm. “David look,” he whispered pointing at the calendar on the wall. The date on it said 2023.

“What the fuck?” David’s voice rose. He could feel panic rising in his chest. “Stevie!” he bellowed, “If this is some kind of sick joke, it’s not funny.”

Stevie came back and handed them both sweatpants and flannel shirts. She looked sad; more sad than he’d ever seen her. “It’s not a joke, David.”

“Stevie, where are my Givenchy jeans?” David asked holding onto one last shred of hope that she would give him an answer he could wrap his head around. 

There was a loud banging on the door and they all turned towards the sound. David and Patrick both stood up at the same moment. Whoever was pounding on the door was banging HARD. Patrick instinctively pulled Stevie behind them. 

“Who is it?” Patrick yelled. He was glad his voice sounded more forceful than he felt, especially considering he was standing there in pinstripe boxers trying to shield a man a head taller than himself and a woman in a towel. 

“It’s Jake. Where the hell is Stevie?”

“Oh, My God! Jake!” Stevie flew out from behind David and Patrick. She wrenched the door open and threw herself at the man standing in front of her who had some sort of flag tied around his waist.

“What the fuck, Stevie? Why’d you leave me out there by myself?” Jake was pissed.

“Umm…Jake?” Patrick said, “Why don’t you come in? I think we all need to talk.”

“Who the hell are you?” Jake asked. Then he saw David who was trying desperately to hide his nakedness behind Patrick.   
Jake’s face brightened. 

“Pony,” he said looking at Stevie, “If this was what you wanted, we could have just stayed here last night.” 

Stevie groaned and pulled him further into the apartment. 

“ _You_ stay here,” she said poking Jake in the chest.

You two,” she said looking at David and Patrick. “Put on those clothes I gave you.” 

She then reached into the closet and grabbed out another pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt which she handed to Jake. “Get dressed,” she said shoving the clothes into his hands. 

She then grabbed a pair of jeans from the clothes hamper and pulled a shirt off a hanger. 

“Give me two minutes,” she told all of them as she went into the bathroom and closed the door.


	4. Aliens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stevie freaks out.

Stevie leaned against the bathroom door. She knew she wasn’t dreaming but she pinched herself hard a second time just to make sure. She’d never felt so happy and so confused all at the same time. 

What the hell was she going to say? Where should she start? ‘Oh, fuck. What if they’re all aliens?’ she thought. ‘Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh. My God. I’m having a panic attack. Or a heart attack? This can’t be how I die.’ She sat on the toilet and tried to get control of her breathing.

While Stevie was locked in the bathroom trying to get control of her breathing and thinking about how she could figure out if David, Patrick, and Jake were aliens, the three men eyed each other warily as they got dressed. 

David sniffed the clothes Stevie had handed him and groaned—they smelled like hay. “Smell these,” he said shoving them under Patrick’s nose. “They smell like a barn.”

Patrick smiled at David fondly and sniffed the offending garments. “Yes, they kind of do.” 

He smelled the sweatpants Stevie had given him. “Here,” he said handing them to David. “Wear these, they smell fine.” 

David raised one eyebrow skeptically but leaned down to smell them anyway. They were pink, but at least they smelled like laundry detergent and not horses. “Thank you” he whispered. 

Jake, of course, took that opportunity to draw focus to himself. He leaned against the wall with his arms folded in front of him and one leg crossed over the other. He hadn’t bothered to put on the shirt Stevie had given him. His bare chest was a tanned expanse of perfect muscle.

Patrick cleared his throat and Jake smirked at him. “You have really beautiful lips,” he said looking at Patrick.

“Um, thank you?” Patrick said hesitantly looking from Jake to David and back to Jake. 

“Knock it off, Jake,” David said grabbing Patrick’s hand and pulling him down the hall towards the bathroom.

David knocked on the bathroom door. “Stevie?” He asked. “Are you coming out anytime soon?”

“I’m…” Stevie paused. “I’m not sure.”

“What?” David’s eyebrows shot upwards. “Why not? You need to tell us what’s going on. And I swear to God, Stevie, if this is a practical joke, I will NEVER speak to you again.”

“David, it’s not a practical joke.”

“Then why the fuck won’t you come out?” David asked angrily.

“Because I don’t know if you’re a fucking alien!” Stevie retorted.

“What?!” David’s voice went up an octave. “That’s the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard! Why would you think I’m an alien?”

“Because,” Stevie started and then stopped. “Because you’ve been gone for five years!”

David didn’t know what he expected her to say but it definitely wasn’t this. 

“What? How?! What do you mean I’ve been gone for five years? I was right here last night. Patrick and I both were. I think we need to take you to a doctor, Stevie.”

Patrick slowly edged David away from the door. “I think we need to consider that she might be telling the truth,” he whispered. 

“What?! Why?!” David’s voice went up another octave and his hands and eyebrows danced in a way that Patrick had never seen before. If Patrick had allowed himself, he would have thought it was irresistibly cute, but now was not the time. 

“David, I’m serious. Did you notice the refrigerator? It’s not the same one that was here last night. And the curtains? And the calendar? We were awake most of the night…um…you know” Patrick’s voice tapered off and he blushed again. He took a deep breath and got control of himself again. “My point is we would have noticed if someone had come in and replaced the refrigerator and hung curtains up and taken our clothes...”

David was afraid to admit that Patrick had a point so he rested his forehead against Patrick’s not sure what to say or think next.

“What are you guys doing out there?” Stevie called from the bathroom. “Why is it so quiet? Did you morph into some sort of gooey blobs that are going to squeeze under the door and kill me?”

Patrick laughed. “I think you’ve watched one too many alien abduction movies. What would make you feel better, Stevie? Do you want to stay in there and we’ll stay out here and we can talk through the door?”

He and David looked at each other and waited. 

“Stevie?” Patrick’s voice was kind.

“I’m thinking!” 

“Okay. We’ll let you think. We’ll be in the kitchen,” Patrick said.

David gave Patrick a pitiful look—one Patrick had seen many times. 

“Really? Now?” Patrick asked.

David looked ashamed and nodded yes. 

“Um, Stevie. I hate to do this because you said you’re thinking and all, but David really needs to pee.” 

“What?” Stevie’s asked incredulously. “Wait! That’s it!” 

They heard the click as she unlocked the door. She opened the door and grabbed David’s arm tugging him into the bathroom. 

“What are you doing?” David protested.

“Go pee.” Stevie demanded.

“What?! Now?” David was officially alarmed. “No!”

“Yes.” Stevie insisted. “I’ve never seen an alien pee. I don’t think they need to.”

“Oh, my God! That’s because you’ve never SEEN an alien. And you’re not looking at one now.”

“David,” Stevie said. “Just pee.”

“No!” David was waving his hands in the air and shaking his head vigorously. “I am not, repeat, NOT going to pee in front of you.”

Although Patrick was enjoying this tremendously, he knew if he didn’t do something, David and Stevie would be arguing about this for the next five hours. 

“David,” he said softly putting one hand on his arm.

“What?!” David whirled on him much more aggressively than he’d intended.

“Let me in,” Patrick said. David and Stevie both shuffled around to let him into the tiny bathroom.

Patrick lifted the seat on the toilet, looked at them both, then reached inside the sweats he was wearing and pulled out his dick. 

“Oh, God!” Stevie buried her face in David’s chest trying not to laugh. 

As Patrick started to pee, she peeked through her fingers. David was shaking with laughter. She looked up at him and saw the wide grin that had spread across his face. That was all she needed to see. No aliens she’d ever seen or read about were capable of being so thoroughly and disgustingly smitten.


	5. The Missing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stevie begins to tell the boys what she know.

With the four of them seated in Stevie’s small living area, David and Patrick on the bed and Stevie and Jake seated at the dining table, Stevie pulled out her laptop and found a YouTube video from about a week after the vanishing on her playlist—she picked it because there was a brief snippet of Roland and Mutt with their arms wrapped around each other at a vigil in Elmdale. 

The video was a compilation of news reports, conspiracy theories, memorials, and candlelight vigils. She played the video and looked from one to the other of the three men. She watched as confusion, disbelief, and shock flitted across each of their faces.  
When the video was over, they all sat lost in their own thoughts for several minutes.

“So…” David broke the silence, “we’ve really been gone for five years?”

  
Stevie looked at him sadly and shook her head affirmatively.

  
Patrick cleared his throat. “Who else was…erm…taken?” He couldn’t quite wrap his head around what had happened yet. He didn’t feel like he’d been abducted by aliens—he didn’t feel much of anything at all except numbness but “taken” seemed to be the best word choice in the moment. Five years? How was that even possible? None of this made any sense.

  
Stevie closed her eyes, trying not to relive that awful morning five years ago when she’d woken up alone in the woods in Jake’s sleeping bag, or the hours she’d spent calling for him and looking for him before finally giving in and driving his truck back to where she had cell service. She didn’t want to think about all of the driverless vehicles she’d seen crashed into fences or left running in the middle of the road. She didn’t want to think about Patrick’s mother and Rachel driving all night to Schitt’s Creek because Patrick wasn’t answering his phone and she was frantic because she couldn’t find her husband. She especially didn’t want to think about Mr. Rose and the spiral he’d gone into for months, hell, years, after Moira and David disappeared.

Jake touched Stevie’s shoulder lightly and she shuddered. She took a deep breath and started listing the people they knew who had disappeared. “Ronnie’s wife, Karen, Jocelyn, Twyla, Bob, Ted,” she paused not wanting to sound like she was checking off a grocery list.

She looked at Jake, and added, “Melanie, Roger, and Tito are all gone.” Jake groaned and put his head in his hands—it was the most emotion she’d ever seen him display for another human being. Then she looked at Patrick and David. “Patrick, your dad is on the list, and David, your mom is.”

  
David took a deep breath. “Oh, my God! Stevie, where is my Dad? I have to find him.” He got up and started frantically reaching under the bed.

  
Patrick quickly realized what he was doing.

“David, honey, stop. Your shoes aren’t there.”  
David burst into tears and Patrick immediately pulled him into a tight embrace.

“I know. Shhh. It’s okay. I know.”

  
“Patrick, oh, my God, your sweet mom!” David started crying even harder as he clung to Patrick.

  
Patrick let his own tears fall freely. Like David, he was fighting every instinct he had to not run out of the room and try to get to his mother. His rational brain, however, was starting to kick in.

“You don’t think?” He said slowly turning towards Stevie.

  
“What?” She asked.

  
“Well, we’re back,” he said thoughtfully. “Maybe others are too?”

  
“Oh, holy fuck!” She picked up her phone and dialed a number.

  
“Roland? Yes. Yes. She is? David, and Patrick, and Jake are too! Okay…yes…absolutely…bye.”  
She grinned at Patrick and dialed another number.

  
“Hi, Ronnie? It’s Stevie. Is Karen? ….Oh….ummm….yeah…wow, that’s awkward… Oh, God….I’ll bet. Yep. David, Patrick, and Jake are all here. Yes….Of course. Call me later.”

  
“Well, Brewer, your theory appears to be correct,” Stevie put her phone down.

  
David looked at her in disbelief. “What are you waiting for?! Call my dad!” He said punctuating every word with an exaggerated flip of his hands.

  
Stevie looked at him sadly. “I can’t, David,” she whispered.

  
“Why not?” David demanded.

  
“He's not taking my calls. He doesn’t live here anymore.” Stevie replied. “And, umm, he kinda stopped talking to me.”

  
“Oh, holy fuck!” David cried out. That meant his mother…his mother was at the motel with absolutely no idea what was going on.

  
Stevie read the look on his face. “Oh, shit!” Stevie said. “Let’s go!”

  
She grabbed her keys from the hook by the refrigerator and followed David out of the apartment.

  
David ran down the stairs two at a time not caring that he was barefoot and wearing pink sweatpants.

  
Patrick took one look at Jake, thought to himself, ‘oh, hell no,’ and ran out the door after them.


	6. Rosebud Inn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David, Patrick, and Stevie realize that if they are back, others probably are as well.

Stevie and Patrick reached the parking lot of her apartment several seconds after David but he was already frantic. “Where is your fucking car, Stevie.”

Stevie clicked her electronic key fob and the lights on a little red convertible flashed. 

“Really?” David raised an eyebrow. “You bought a fifty-year old man’s mid-life crisis car?”

“Yes, David. I thought you were dead, so I bought a fifty-year old man’s mid-life crisis car to make myself feel better,” Stevie deadpanned.

David did a double-take and then grinned. “I can’t believe you’re mocking me at a time like this.”

Patrick looked at the car and then at David. “Guess I’m sitting on your lap?”

Stevie looked at him apologetically. “I’m sorry. I don’t have any friends—a four-seater seemed unnecessary.”

“Well, you’re clearly going to have to rethink this decision,” David said as he folded himself into the tiny vehicle. 

Patrick tried to slide in before David was ready—he was determined not to be left behind—and David shooed him away. “Wait a minute! Fuck, Stevie. Put the top down!” 

Patrick stepped back and waited patiently. He’d always wanted a little red convertible so he couldn’t help being just a little jealous as he watched the top lift up and away and slide down until it was completely hidden from view. 

Stevie turned her head and yelled at him. “Are you going to get in here and sit on your boyfriend’s lap or what?”

David was appalled and embarrassed. “We’re not doing boyfriend.”

Patrick grinned as he climbed in and wrapped his arms around David’s neck. He felt like a complete idiot, but he also kind of liked seeing the embarrassed look on David’s face. He leaned in and whispered into David’s ear, “And why aren’t we doing boyfriend? I mean you did have your mouth on my dick last night. Surely, I should at least get to be called boyfriend after that.” Then Patrick bit him on the neck, hard.

David let out a shocked gasp. “Let’s discuss this later,” he said, but he was feeling all warm and gooey inside. He’d never had a real boyfriend before—at least not one as amazing as Patrick. He also knew he couldn’t think about any of that right now. First, he needed to make sure his parents were okay.

As Stevie pulled into the parking lot, David and Patrick stared at the motel in shock. Another puzzle piece in their new reality clicked into place. They had both been expecting to see the same modest, somewhat dilapidated, roadside motel where Patrick had picked David up last night—or last night five years ago—more accurately.  


The building in front of them had the same general shape, but NOTHING else was familiar. The entire motel was clad in perfectly appointed cedar shingles. There was a broad, covered walkway running in front of all the rooms with intricately carved roses at each arch directly above hanging baskets full of cascading flowers. It looked like it had been dropped out of the pages of a magazine.

“Yah, yah. It’s gorgeous. I know.” Stevie said with more than a hint of bitterness in her voice.

“Rosebud Inn? What the fuck, Stevie?” David asked incredulously.

“It’s a long story,” Stevie said climbing out of the car. She punched a number on her cell phone. 

“Hi. It’s Stevie. Was room 7 vacant last night? Oh, thank God....No. Everything’s fine. I’m going to send someone to get a key card for it okay? His name’s David,” she paused and looked down at David’s feet. “Umm, he’s not wearing any shoes. I’ll explain later.”

Stevie hung up the phone and nodded at David. He looked down, suddenly self- conscious about his bare feet. He met Stevie’s gaze, nodded, and squeezed Patrick’s hand. “I’ll be right back.”

Patrick started to follow David but Stevie put her hand on his arm to stop him. “Wait,” she said sharply.

Patrick put his hands on his hips like he did when he was about to argue a point, then stopped himself. There was something in Stevie’s tone; a warning almost.

“Yeah, okay.” He said looking at the ground. He ran his fingers nervously through his hair and scratched the back of his neck.

David came out of the office and held up the key card. 

Stevie and Patrick met him under the arched walkway along the front of the hotel. David couldn’t help admiring the detailing of the woodwork above them.

Stevie glanced at her phone and then leaned in like she was afraid someone might overhear them, “It’s 9:30. If Mrs. Rose is back, she’ll probably still be asleep. You two should go in and talk to her and try to make sure she doesn’t...” Stevie’s voice trailed off.

“Freak out?” David finished her thought. “Lock herself in the closet for the next week?”

“Yeah. That.” Stevie said.

“Okay.” Patrick said. He had to keep pushing thoughts of his own parents out of his mind. He had so many questions. He had so much he needed to say to them. But he was here now. There was nothing he could do about his own stuff right now, but he could help David. “Are we ready to do this?”

David smiled a wry smile, meeting Patrick’s eyes. He took a deep breath. “Yes,” he said, nodding. “Unlock the door.”


	7. Moira's Return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moira leaps to some odd conclusions.

‘Oh, thank God!’ Patrick and David both thought to themselves at the same time. Moira was laying serenely on top of the bed fully clothed.

“Mom?” David sat down on the bed beside her glancing up at the elegant padded headboard and looking around the room. He gently shook Moira’s arm. “Mom, wake up.”

“Hmmmm....what is it dear? Did you have a night terror?” Moira murmured. She was wearing a sleep mask and made no move to take it off. She slid over a little bit on the bed. She patted the bed behind her. “John, sweetheart, make room. David’s had a night terror.” She patted the bed again feeling for Johnny. She abruptly sat up and roughly pulled her eye mask from her eyes, “John?”

Her eyes landed on David and then flitted to Patrick. “Oh, good morning boys. I must have been reminiscing in my slumber.”

Then she glanced past them and took in the room. Her face lit up. “What is this delightful change of scenery? Did your father spike my hot toddy and secret me away to some tropical locale?” She looked from David to Patrick again, a look of doubt crossed her face. “And you boys decided to come along as well? How wonderful!”

She clapped her hands together. “I shall be ready for brunch in forty-five, no seventy-five minutes. You’ll tell your father won’t you?”

And with that she flounced off the bed and floated towards the bathroom. She grasped the edge of the door frame and leaned back into the room towards them, “Best you two find some appropriate footwear for dining—bare feet, whilst befitting our tropical locale I’m sure, are alas, incorrect in a public place.”

Patrick cleared his throat. “David,” he started.

“What?” David’s voice rose defensively. “You heard her. We have seventy-five minutes to find my dad.”

“I can’t believe you’re not going to tell her,” Patrick said.

“Yes, you can,” David smiled and stepped into Patrick’s space rubbing his hands up and down Patrick’s arms.

Patrick sighed. “David, she’s going to need something to wear.”

David’s hands stopped moving and his eyes flew open wide at the thought. “Fuck!”

David opened the door and strode towards the front office. Patrick followed him. There was something incredibly sexy about David’s confident stride as he walked away. If Patrick were being objective, he would never have thought that a grown man wearing too-tight pink sweatpants, an unbuttoned flannel shirt with sleeves that ended at his forearms, and bare feet could be sexy. But after last night, hell, after David handed him that tiny slip of paper that said B13 the day they first met, he would never be able to be objective about David Rose again.

‘Get a grip, Brewer,’ he thought to himself. Even with everything that had happened so far this morning, he was having a hard time NOT thinking about last night. ‘No, NOT last night,’ he reminded himself. ‘Oh, fuck. I’m so confused.’

He was a few steps behind David when he heard Stevie ask sharply, “Where’s Patrick?”

“I’m right here,” he said. And then he saw who was standing beside Stevie. His mouth dropped open in disbelief. “Rachel? What are you doing here?”

David looked from Patrick to Rachel and back again, clearly even more confused than he was already. 

Stevie stood in the middle of the room with her arms held out palms up like a traffic control cop. All she needed was a whistle. She took a deep breath.

“Okay, I’m going to give you all a crash course in what happened in the first six months after you disappeared in about three minutes. But we’re going to take things in order of importance. First, Rachel, were you able to reach corporate?”

Rachel glanced at Patrick with tears streaming down her face—all she wanted to do was hug him. 

She steadied herself on the hotel counter. “Yes. Miss Budd. It’s bedlam over there, people are popping up all over the place—it’s absolute chaos. I was able to reach Ruth and she promised to have Johnny call you the minute they track him down.”

Stevie let out the breath she didn’t even realize she’d been holding. “Thank God! If Ruth’s on it, it will get done. Now, as for you two, why are you here and not with Moira?”

David narrowed his eyes. Who was this girl boss and what had she done with Stevie? “She’s in the shower. We have seventy-five minutes,” he said.

“Seventy-minutes now,” Patrick added reflexively. “Now will one of you please explain what she’s doing here!” He nodded his head angrily towards Rachel.

“Patty, please!” Rachel said.


	8. David Meets Rachel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patrick is stunned and confused by Rachel's presence at the Rosebud Inn.

“Patty?” David’s voice was shrill and his eyebrows arched up almost to his hairline.

Patrick turned towards David. “David, I’d like you to meet my ex-fiancé, Rachel. Rachel, this is David, my boyfriend.” He emphasized the last word and grabbed David’s hand as if to demonstrate his point. David was hesitant but sensed that Patrick just needed him to stand there and hold his hand.

“Oh, Patty! I’m so happy for you!” Rachel’s face broke into a wide smile and she couldn’t stop herself from flinging her arms around him.

Patrick was thoroughly confused. He’d been so angry with her for months and now here she was hugging him and telling him she was happy for him—after she’d been so horrible? He’d left everything behind when they broke up the last time. She’d thrown her engagement ring on the floor of their bedroom and hurled the insult at him as she left—all because he’d told her he wasn’t sure he could spend the rest of his life with her.

He’d moved to Schitt’s Creek, eight hours away from her, and had been determined to prove her wrong. He was going to find someone who didn’t know every single thing about him. Someone who didn’t remind him of all of his failures sexual or otherwise. He was going to fall in love. He was going to be happy.

Patrick felt Rachel’s arms around his neck and felt David gently squeeze his hand. He squeezed back. In that moment, he realized he’d accomplished exactly what he’d set out to do.

Patrick put his free arm around Rachel and hugged her back, then he pulled David into the hug as well. He was laughing and crying. “You were right, Rachel. You were right.”

David, despite not being a huggy person, and despite not having a clue what Rachel had been right about, went with it.

David pulled away first and went to stand by Stevie. She turned away from him and wiped a tear from her eye.

“Are you crying?” David teased.

“No, I just have something in my eye,” Stevie shot back.

“Uh-huh,” David said and then he surprised himself again. He wrapped his arms around Stevie pulling her in for hug. 

He caught Patrick’s eye above Stevie’s head. “What?” He asked innocently at Patrick’s unspoken question. “If you can do it, so can I!”

Patrick started laughing. He untangled himself from Rachel’s embrace and walked over to David. He put his hands on either side of David’s face, looked at him intently for a moment before pulling him in for a kiss. When he pulled away, his voice was raw with emotion, “I love you, David Rose.”

“Oh. I, uh...wow, uhm…” David stuttered clearly stunned. Stevie still had her arms wrapped around him—she pinched him hard on the side before ducking under his arm and moving away. 

“Ouch!” David yelped. “What was that for?!”

“Because you love him too, you big idiot” Stevie said. “You’ve been in love with him since the day he said he wasn’t at the shop to see Alexis! You told me so!”

David opened and closed his mouth a couple of times like a fish gasping for air. His face flushed bright pink, “I did not!” He protested.

Then he looked at Patrick who pretend frowned at him. Patrick put his hands on his hips and asked sternly, “David, did you tell Stevie you loved me before you’ve even told me?”

David tried to repress a shudder. Patrick’s father-knows-best voice was doing things to him. He pointed at Stevie and said, “It’s not my fault she’s a big tattletale who can’t keep a secret!”

Patrick laughed and wrapped his arms around David’s waist. “Let’s try this again, shall we?” He kissed David gently. “I love you, David Rose.”

David put a hand on each of Patrick’s shoulders and leaned away from him slightly. He rolled his eyes and shook his head in the adorable exaggerated way he had; a half-smirk playing across his lips. 

He finally wrapped his arms tightly around Patrick’s neck and stole another kiss before saying what he’d been waiting his whole life to say, “I love you too.”


	9. The Change Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In order to carry out their ruse with Moira, they realize she's going to need some clothes. David and Rachel do a change-up.

David turned towards Stevie. He had tears in his eyes but his smile lit up his face in a way she’d never seen before.

She looked away before she started crying too. “Shall we sit, and I will give you the five-minute version of what happened after you disappeared?”

David eagerly tried to pull Patrick to the sofa. “Yes, please!”

Patrick hesitated and cleared his throat. “As much as I want to hear this, and I really WANT to hear this,” he said glancing at Rachel. “I think you were right, Stevie. We need to take things in priority order. We still need to find clothes for Mrs. Rose.”

“Oh, fuck!” David’s hands flew into the air. Then he looked down at his pink covered legs. “Um. I clearly can’t go shopping dressed like this.”

Patrick looked at him incredulously. “I didn’t mean shopping, David. I meant maybe we could borrow something from Stevie.” David and Stevie both snorted at the same time. 

Then Rachel spoke up, “I could call Ronnie. She wore that gorgeous gold sequined gown to Mr. Rose’s Christmas eve party last year.”

Stevie hesitated. “Yeah, not sure that will work. Karen’s back.”

Rachel put her hand over her mouth in horror. “Oh, holy hell. I completely forgot! What about Becky?”

“Guess things were pretty awkward over there this morning,” Stevie said. “Ronnie said she’d call me later.”

Rachel still looked horrified. “Maybe we could text her?”

“I guess it’s worth a try.” Stevie pulled out her phone and typed out a quick text. 

David stood looking at Rachel for a minute. He looked her up and down, squinting his eyes and sizing her up.

Stevie caught his eye. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” 

“Yes, it could work. Rachel, please give me your jacket.” David held out his hand and snapped his fingers impatiently.

“What?” Rachel said. “Why?”

“Because,” Stevie said. “Mrs. Rose pretty much only wears black. She’s a lot taller than you are, but I think we can make it work.” 

“So, we’ve got a top, what about pants?” Patrick added trying to be helpful.

“Rachel, I’m afraid we need your pants, too,” David said.

“Umm, and what, exactly, am I going to wear?”

Stevie stepped into the back office, “Hang on,” she called.

When she came back, she was holding a pair of coveralls that were at least three sizes too big for Rachel. 

She held them out to David. “Here. Put these on.”

David waved a hand wildly in the direction of the coveralls. “So…yeah…that’s a real quick no.” His tone made it clear he was appalled by the very suggestion.

Stevie planted her feet and pursed her lips. “David, we still have an Inn to run. Rachel can’t greet guests in Roland’s old coveralls.”

“Absolutely not.” David was shaking his head dramatically and stepping away from Stevie towards the door.

Patrick stepped forward. “I can wear them,” he offered.

Stevie shook her head. “Thank you, Patrick, but Rachel also can’t hang out smelling like hay all day. No offense.”

“None taken,” Patrick said. “Whose are these anyway?”

Stevie lowered her head and muttered, “Mutt’s.”

A smirk worked its way across David’s face and then he pounced. “I’m sorry, who’s are they?”

“You heard me.”

“Oh, we are absolutely going to get into this!” David exclaimed. “I need details.”

Stevie glared at him. “Give me those cute little pink sweats you’re wearing, David.”

Rachel laughed out loud and they all turned to look at her. “I’m sorry. This is just the stupidest fucking conversation I think I’ve ever been part of, and I hang out with Alexis.”

David’s head snapped up. “Alexis is here!? Why didn’t you tell us? She’ll have something my mother can wear.”


	10. Similarities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As they continue to plot, Stevie notices some remarkable similarities between Patrick's former and current significant others.

Rachel waved her hands in the air dramatically—“No, no! Fuck! I didn’t mean. Oh, hell.” She stopped and tilted her head back and closed her eyes trying to calm herself. “No,” she continued, “Alexis moved to New York like a year ago.”

Stevie looked from Rachel to David and then at Patrick—a sly smile on her face. “You know, I’m surprised I never noticed it before…”

“Don’t even go there, Stevie,” Patrick warned. He had always thought there were certain similarities between the two great loves of his life. Except, of course, that David had a penis.

Stevie’s eyes danced. ‘Oh, this is gonna be fun,’ she thought to herself feeling genuinely happy for the first time in an exceptionally long time. She shrugged her shoulders and held the coveralls out again. “David. Sweats. Now.”

David reluctantly grabbed the coveralls. “Fuck! Fine. But don’t think I’m happy about this.”

“No one would ever think that.” Stevie rolled her eyes.

When David came back into the room a few minutes later, all eyes turned towards him. “Don’t say a word!”

Stevie was doubled over laughing. Patrick was doing the best he could to look supportive. Rachel just looked at him in horror. This gorgeous man looked like a total country bumpkin—all he needed was a straw hat and a piece of hay sticking out of his mouth. 

David grimaced and threw himself onto the couch. Patrick sat down beside him. “I think you look very sexy,” he said looking at David intently and placing a hand on his knee. He couldn’t hold it though and started giggling.

David looked at Rachel whose face was betraying exactly what she was thinking and said “at least one of you understands how incorrect this attire is.”

Rachel grinned at him. “Sweats?” she asked.

“I left them in the bathroom.”

After Rachel left the room, Patrick started to say something. Stevie held up a hand to stop him. “Look, I know you have questions. Let’s just get through the next hour and I promise I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.”

Patrick nodded. His brain felt like what the inside of a pinball machine must feel like. His thoughts kept jumping from one thing to another. _David loved him! He and his Dad had both vanished—he really wanted to talk to his mom. He loved David! Rachel was here. Five years. How was that even possible?_ He grabbed David’s hand attempting to keep his mind from spinning out of control. David seemed to intuitively understand. He put his arm around Patrick and tucked him into his body. He kissed the top of Patrick’s head and squeezed. “We’ll get through this together, okay?”

Patrick nodded his head. “Together,” he whispered.

David looked across the room at Stevie. “You wouldn’t happen to have Mrs. Brewer’s phone number would you?”

Stevie felt like a total shit. Why hadn’t she already thought of that? She pulled out her phone and grabbed a piece of paper. She wrote down a number. “Here,” she said holding out the piece of paper. “You can use the phone in the back room.”

Patrick lifted his head and wiped his eyes. His heart was about to burst. He kissed David, murmured “thank you” and grabbed the paper Stevie was holding.

David ran his hands up and down the tops of his thighs and let his head rest on the back of the sofa. This was by far the most bizarre thing he’d ever experienced and he’d been breast fed by a performance artist in front of 100 people at one of his gallery openings. He heard Rachel come back into the room but didn’t open his eyes.

“Where’s Patrick?” Rachel asked.

“He’s calling his mom,” Stevie answered.

“She’s going to be so happy to hear his voice,” Rachel said. “David, have you met Marci and Clint?”

“I’ve haven’t met them in person, but I’ve spoken to them both on the phone” David answered pulling himself back into the moment.

“I know they were disappointed they couldn’t come when you opened the store.” Rachel said.

“Hmm” David said noncommittally. He had not had nearly enough time to process this whole ex-fiancé thing. He wasn’t sure how much he wanted to learn or share. She seemed nice enough, but he didn’t know why Patrick hadn’t told him he’d been engaged. ‘Of course,’ he thought to himself, ‘I haven’t told him a lot of things. _And_ I never asked.’ David sighed. He’d meant it when he said they were going to have to get through this together.

“Speaking of the store…” he started. 

Stevie felt her throat drop into her stomach--of course David and Patrick would want to know what happened to the store. Why hadn’t that been the first thing she’d told them? Her face broke into a mega-watt smile. “It’s still open and it’s thriving!”

David’s eyes widened. “What? How?” He’d been expecting the worse.

“Alexis,” Stevie said simply.

Rachel smiled broadly at him. “Your sister’s got a pretty terrific head for business.”


	11. Patrick Talks to His Parents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patrick finally gets to talk to his mom and dad.

When Patrick came back into the front office, red faced from crying, everyone tried to avoid making eye contact with him, except David who stood up and met him halfway across the room. David folded him into a tight embrace while Patrick sobbed into his shoulder. Stevie and Rachel were fighting back their own tears. Everyone was a bit lost in the magnitude of what they’d experienced in the last couple of hours.

Patrick finally collected himself enough to step back and look up at David. “I told them about you.”

David wasn’t sure what he was talking about at first and then his eyes widened in surprise. “About us?”

Patrick said, “Yes. I’m pretty sure mom already knew based on the questions she was asking, but I wanted her to hear it from me.” He stopped and looked at Rachel and Stevie who both looked at the floor guiltily. “She is thrilled for us and can’t wait to meet you. You don’t mind do you?”

David smiled his half-grin at Patrick. “No, I don’t mind,” he said delivering a small kiss to Patrick’s forehead. A look of amazement flitted across his face. 

“What’s that look for?” Patrick asked.

“I’ve just never made it to this phase before” David answered.

“What phase?”

“Having a boyfriend’s parents actually want to meet me.”

“My parents wanted to meet you before, David.”

“I know. This just feels different.”

All of this mush was getting to be too much for Stevie. “Well, gee it’s only taken you five years and three months to get to this point! That’s gotta be a record of some kind for you, David!” 

Everyone turned and looked at her with varying degrees of shock on their faces.

“What?” Stevie asked, “Too soon?”

Patrick groaned at the same moment David shook his head and said “Fuck, Stevie! It’s one hundred percent too fucking soon!” Rachel was bobbing her head up and down in agreement.

Stevie looked marginally apologetic but wasn’t willing to vocalize it.

‘Well at least she hasn’t changed that much’ David thought.

Rachel cleared her throat and asked, “What time did you need to get back to Mrs. Rose?”

Stevie looked at her phone and said, “We have twenty more minutes.”

Rachel felt like if she didn’t tell her story soon she might burst. She knew Patrick was uncomfortable with her being there and that he was confused and angry and more than a little hurt. God, the way he’d looked at her just now when he said his mother already knew. She felt horrible. She’d had five years to forgive herself for her behavior—and yet Patrick was still experiencing it as months. “Patrick, David, why don’t you sit, and I’ll tell you my version of things since we have a little time?”

Patrick looked at David who grabbed his hand and nodded. They moved to sit on the sofa. Rachel sat across from them and leaned forward with her elbows on her knees.

“When your mother called me to tell me you were gone, I didn’t know what to say or do. I know she hoped that your moving away was only temporary and that we would eventually get back together just like we always did,” Rachel paused briefly.

David started to pull his hand away—he wasn’t sure he was ready to hear this after all. Patrick tightened his grip, refusing to let him pull away. David squeezed his hand gently in return.

“When she said your Dad was missing too, I knew that none of any of that other stuff mattered anymore. She asked me to come with her to Schitt’s Creek. She was holding out hope that maybe you weren’t gone—that maybe it was just your dad—and well, lots of other people we know. I couldn’t say no. I needed to do it for her, and for me, I guess. We drove all night to get here. When we got here, we met Stevie. Your mom introduced me as your fiancé and I didn’t correct her,” Rachel stopped and looked at Stevie as if inviting her to add her part of the story.

Stevie added, “I was a complete wreck and that just made it so much worse. I was trying to hold things together as best I could but David, your poor Dad…” her voice broke and she couldn’t continue.

Rachel continued, “Your Dad was really struggling without you and Mrs. Rose. He took the news of our engagement pretty badly.” Rachel looked at David, “I’m truly sorry for that.” 

David closed his eyes. He could imagine how hurt and defensive his Dad must have been. 

“Anyway,” Rachel went on, “Marci and I stayed for a week and cleaned out your room at Ray’s. Marci found a box of condoms and she tried to make excuses for you saying things like they must be old, or maybe whoever it was didn’t mean anything.” She took a deep breath.

David turned to look at Patrick. “Hang, on. Why did you have a box of condoms?”

Patrick blushed furiously. “Now isn’t the time, David.”

David eye-balled him and grinned like the Cheshire cat. “Fine. But don’t think we’re not having this conversation.”

Rachel watched them fondly. “Anyway, that’s when I told her we needed to talk about what happened between us. We thought you were dead, Patrick. I didn’t want her to live with a lie about what we were to each other. I guess I wanted her to know you a little bit better than that.”

Patrick nodded his head, tears filling his eyes again. “How did you know about David?”

Rachel sighed. “Alexis invited me to have lunch with her the second day we were here. She demanded to know why I was here with Marci and why I was pretending to be your fiancé.” Rachel smiled at the memory and looked at David. “Your sister is fiercely protective of you.”

David’s face softened. “It sounds like you became friends?”

Rachel said matter-of-factly, “Yes. She’s my best friend. I was so surprised by her response. She never once assumed Patrick was cheating on me. She knew I was lying, and she called me on it. I like that in a person.”

Stevie added, “She was trying to help your Dad and dealing with her own stuff what with Twyla and Ted both disappearing too.”

David took a deep breath to steady himself—Stevie had run down the list of names before, but it hadn’t really registered until now the enormity of what it must have been like for his Dad and his sister. He stood up abruptly. “I need to talk to her.” He held out his hand for a phone—he didn’t care whose phone, he just wanted a phone.

Rachel hit a speed dial button and put the phone on speaker. Alexis answered on the first ring, “Rachel? What is it? I’m seeing all these posts about people coming back. Are they back? Are my mom and David back?” there was a tone of desperation in her voice like she wanted to know but was afraid none of what she was hearing was true. 

“We’re both here, Alexis,” David said.

“Oh, My God, David!” Alexis burst into tears. 

David plucked the phone out of Rachel’s hand and strode into the back room. It was his turn for a private conversation.

When he came back into the room, he was not at all surprised to see Rachel sitting beside Patrick holding one of Patrick’s hands in both of her own. Ten minutes before and he would have been jealous, but now it just felt right somehow. They just looked like two friends who hadn’t seen each other in a very long time. “She’s going to call my Dad and get a flight. They will be here in a couple of hours.” He handed Rachel back her phone but not before turning it over and looking at the case. It had an image of a woman in a blue jumpsuit rising into the air with her arms outstretched and flames dancing all around her. “She’s hot,” he commented wryly.

“So,” Stevie said, “Now we just have to decide if we’re going to tell Mrs. Rose what’s happened or if we’re going to wait and let your Dad do it.”

“Got any tranquilizers?” David asked. “And I’m only half joking” he added.

David grabbed the black pants and jacket and held his hand out to Patrick. “Key card, please?” 

Patrick nodded to the counter. “Do you want me to come with you?”

“No. I got it.” David said.


	12. More Aliens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David tells Moira the truth.

“Mom,” David called when he opened the door. “I’m just going to put an outfit out here on the bed for you.”

Moira opened the door to the bathroom and stepped into the room wrapped in a fuzzy white hotel robe. “Oh, how delightful. Did you father buy me a new frock?”

“Umm…not exactly.” David said holding out the suit.

Moira glanced at the suit, then reached out and touched the fabric between her fingers. “Certainly not.”

“Look,” David sighed exasperatedly, “You don’t really have a choice. Can you just put these on and then we can talk?”

Moira looked David up and down as though seeing him for the first time. “David, dear, you really are taking this vacation casual look to the outer limits. That denim jumpsuit does nothing for your form—although it probably does cover up the cellulite you’ve started to accumulate.”

“Okay, what?!! I don’t…That’s not even…” David clamped his mouth shut and took a deep breath closing his eyes to try to center himself.

“Please just get dressed,” he said. “There’s something we need to discuss.”

“Very well,” Moira said as she took the clothes from David. “Are you certain you are quite well? Unless I’m mistaken, you and your button beau were spending the evening together last night? I do hope he didn’t find you lacking.”

“Really?! That’s what you assume? That Patrick would find me lacking?” David’s voice raised a few octaves. “Everything was quite satisfactory, I assure you. It’s the one thing I’m actually extraordinarily good at.”

“Well,” Moira paused. “Good for Patrick then. You might try being more agreeable, however. Your current demeanor would suggest that perhaps your evening wasn’t as splendid as your ego would lead you to believe. Perhaps we should ask Patrick? Where is that sweet boy?”

David rubbed his hand across the back of his neck. “He’s in the office talking to Stevie.”

“Stevie’s here as well? How many people did your father whisk away?” Moira asked hesitantly as her certainty started to shift.

“David, sit down.” Moira said as she took a chair at the small table. “Please tell me whatever it is you need to say.”

Moira placed her hand on top of David’s and he burst into tears. “Oh…” Moira looked tentatively around the room before placing a hand on his shoulder. “Please tell me what’s troubling you. I sense there is something of great import which you need to disclose.”

David wiped his eyes on the sleeve of the coveralls and then curled up his lip and wrinkled his nose as he smelled the remnants of dust and dirt on the clothing. He took a deep breath and then said, “I’m really not sure where to begin.”

“There’s no need for mental rehearsals, dear. Just read it cold,” Moira tried to lighten the mood.

“We’re not on a tropical island—although I find it strange that you think Dad would drug you and take you on a trip—but that’s a conversation for another time perhaps.” David said. “We’re actually at the motel. The Schitt’s Creek motel.”

Moira did something very un-Moiraish and interrupted him before he could finish, “Perhaps we should take you to a doctor, David. You’re not making any sense.”

David held up his hand, “Please just let me try to get through this. Something happened to us—I don’t know what, but we disappeared five years ago, and we reappeared today. Patrick and I reappeared at Stevie’s apartment. You reappeared here. From what we’ve been told, millions of people vanished. And we were…” David paused, “we were among them. This room looks different because it is different.”

Moira looked at him intently for several seconds. “Was it aliens? Oh, my God, David?! Were we abducted by aliens?! I always knew something like this would happen one day! Where’s your father? Is he okay? Did they do something terrible to him? And your sister? What have they done to her?” She stood up abruptly and started feeling all over her body, “What have they done to me?!”

Moira went into the bathroom and slammed the door. 

David walked over to the phone and called the front desk. Stevie answered. “Can you come?” he asked. 

A few minutes later, Stevie knocked lightly on the door. David opened it. She looked at him and crossed the room. She rapped on the bathroom door with her knuckle. “Mrs. Rose?” She called, “Alexis and Mr. Rose will be here in a couple of hours. They are chartering a flight as the commercial flights are in chaos right now.”

Moira opened the door. “Oh, hello, Stevie dear. You say Mr. Rose and Alexis are chartering a flight?” She waltzed into the room still in the bathrobe. “What time are they set to arrive?”

Stevie looked at David questioningly. He shrugged his shoulders.

“They hope to be here by 3 PM,” Stevie answered.

“Alright,” Moira smiled. “Then I shall be ready by 3. David, would you be so kind as to fetch me something from the café—assuming the café is still operational.”

“That’s okay,” Stevie jumped in, “You can order something from the room service menu if you’d like.”

Moira arched an eyebrow and David’s eyes widened in surprise. “Why, yes, that sounds lovely. May I see the menu, please?”

David, who was already scouring the menu he’d just now spotted, reluctantly handed it to her. “Thank you,” Moira said., “Now Stevie, could you direct us to the appropriate television channel which might provide some context for the circumstances in which we find ourselves?”

Stevie looked at David, “It seems like things are under control here?” David nodded his head, “It appears so. Could you send Patrick down? He and I should probably both eat something as well.”

Stevie grinned at him. “I’m surprised you can eat at a time like this.”

Moira added absentmindedly, “David and his beau worked up quite an appetite last night at least based on David’s intimations. They are likely in need of sustenance.”

Stevie tried, and failed, to hide her amusement. She coughed loudly to cover a loud guffaw.

David rolled his eyes and then smirked as his mind wandered back to his night with Patrick.

Stevie smacked him on the arm on her way out of the room.

“Okay, mother,” David said crossing his arms and looking at Moira, “Apparently you are no longer concerned that we were abducted by aliens?”

“Oh, I’m quite certain we were. But I’ve always thought Stevie might be one. Best not tempt fate by letting on what one has long suspected,” Moira replied matter-of-factly.


	13. Story time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are finally calm enough that Stevie can tell her side of the story.

While Patrick and David waited for their room service order, the group made themselves comfortable in Moira’s room. 

David looked around the room--somehow the new furnishings and fixtures and carpet all made the room look bigger than it had yesterday even though the bones and layout were all the same. “Stevie,” he said. “Tell us about the Rosebud Inn?”

Moira looked at him. “The what?”

Stevie said, “The Rosebud Inn, that’s the motel’s new name.”

“Why Rosebud? That sounds like such a sad, stunted thing,” Moira said.

Rachel and David both looked at her in shock. “Budd is Stevie’s last name,” David said pointedly.

“Oh, well that’s nice then,” Moira conceded. “And Rose? I’m assuming Mr. Rose had something to do with all of this?”

Stevie looked like she was about to cry. “Mr. Rose had everything to do with this,” she said her voice wavering.

Rachel put a hand on Stevie’s shoulder as if to lend her a little extra strength for whatever was coming next. David and Patrick looked at each other warily.

Stevie took a deep breath and said, “After you all vanished, things were just so…”

“So what dear?” Moira prodded.

“So fucked,” Rachel contributed.

“Yah,” Stevie said. “That pretty much sums it up. Things were completely fucked. Alexis was trying to decide if she should still enroll in the marketing program, Roland basically moved into the hotel, drank himself into a stupor every day, and played 80s love songs all night every night for six months, and Mr. Rose, well, Mr. Rose became obsessed with finding an outlet—any outlet. He ran the Apothecary for the first year working himself to the bone sixteen hours a day.” Stevie stopped to look at how David was taking that news. He and his dad didn’t exactly have the same aesthetic. 

David just nodded his head for her to continue. There were a thousand thoughts going through his brain and several things he wanted to say but none seemed as important as letting Stevie continue.

“Then my aunt died and I found out she’d left me the hotel. I went through a bit of a crisis and Mr. Rose asked Alexis to help out at the Apothecary and he came and ran the hotel for several weeks. All I could do was get stoned and cry.”

Stevie’s eyes darkened at the memory. 

“My aunt’s ashes were delivered to the hotel office about six weeks after she died and Mr. Rose came to my apartment and basically told me I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself and stop smoking so much weed. He made me shower and get dressed and we drove to the creek to scatter my aunt’s ashes. I will never forget what he did for me. It felt like he gave me back my life.”

Stevie wiped at a tear with the back of her hand. Moira placed a hand on top of hers and squeezed. Stevie looked at Rachel who nodded encouragingly.

“Which is why I feel so awful about how things are between us now. I let him down and now he’s not speaking to me.”

“I wondered why you said he wouldn’t take your call,” David said. “What did you do?” He tried to keep the irritation out of his tone but apparently failed given the way Patrick was looking at him.

“I told him I didn’t want to work with him anymore,” Stevie said.

“What!? Why?!” David demanded.

Rachel held up her hand, “That’s not exactly how it went down and you know it Stevie.”

“That’s what it must have seemed like to Mr. Rose, though,” Stevie responded.

Moira, who had been sitting quietly up until now, stood up and walked to the window with her back to the room. She turned towards Stevie and started to say something and then looked back out the window. Everyone looked at each other in surprise—they’d never seen Moira at a loss for words. So they waited.

“Stevie dear,” Moira finally said. “I do so want to hear the rest of your fascinating story, but I feel I must tell you that Mr. Rose has many tremendously exemplary qualities. His penchant for cold-shouldering people who have hurt him in some way, however, is legendary. David, do you remember the year he refused to speak to his secretary because she spoke to that gossip columnist about you and your dalliance with that lovely Puerto Rica singer—what was his name—Ricky...something?”

“Oh, my God!” David said, “Why would you bring that up now?”

Moira unfolded her arms and looked at Stevie, “Because, I suspect from what Stevie’s told us that your father is up to his old tricks and is holding a grudge unnecessarily. Am I correct?” Moira looked at Rachel for affirmation.

Rachel nodded yes. “Stevie decided that she wanted to try something different. Alexis and I both encouraged her. She’s got so much talent and the franchises are all doing well, so we told her to go for it. Mr. Rose wasn’t as supportive.”

“That sounds like my John,” Moira said. “He wouldn’t understand why this wasn’t enough.” <\p>

Patrick looked thoughtfully at Stevie. “Franchises?” The business major in him was rearing its head.

She nodded.

“How many?”

“47.”

“47!” David’s voice was higher than Patrick had ever heard it.

Moira was smiling broadly. “And that also sounds like my John. What a delightful turn of events!” She put a hand on Stevie’s shoulder. “Don’t you worry, Stevie. You are very cool, and that is not something I thought I would ever say about someone in this shire-like hamlet. Mr. Rose will come around. He always does.”

David nodded his head in agreement. “He never did fire his secretary and in fact, if I remember correctly, he bought her a corvette the next year for Christmas. Once Ricky came out of the closet officially, all was forgiven.”

Stevie suddenly burst into tears. “The thing is, I hate my new job. All I want is to come back to the Rosebud.”

Rachel looked thoroughly confused. “What the hell, Stevie? Why didn’t you tell me? I thought you were loving being a flight attendant!?”

David started laughing…”Wait! What? You’re a flight attendant?”

Stevie glared at him, “Why? Is that so hard to believe?”

“Ummm,” David shook his head forcefully, “Yes, yes it is.”

“I’ll have you know, Larry Aire is the number one regional jet service flying in and out of Maple Glen.” Stevie said defensively.

David crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow, “That’s because it’s the ONLY regional jet service in Maple Glen, isn’t it?”

Rachel sniggered and Stevie shot her a look.

Patrick suddenly started humming and then started singing the most atrocious lyrics David had ever heard:

_“Ooooooo, ooooooo,_

_Get your derriere over to Larry Aire_

_We’re got no frills so you’ll get no thrills_

_But we’ll get you from here to there_

_Because we’re Larry Aire”_

Patrick threw Rachel a look and she jumped up and sat beside him, lending her voice in harmony to the last line.

_“Ooooo, ooooo, yes, we’re Larry Aire”_

Stevie started laughing and wiping tears from her eyes at the same time. 

David stood up and pulled her into his arms giving her a big bear hug. “You know, in the immortal words of Truvy Jones, ‘laughter through tears is my favorite emotion’,”

Patrick said without missing a beat, “Shelby was right. My hair does look like a brown football helmet.”

David whirled around and they both pointed at each other and shouted, “Steel Magnolias!”

“Oh, my God!” Rachel and Stevie groaned simultaneously.

Moira clapped her hands together, “Did I ever tell you about the time I played Annelle Dupuy in Pasadena at that marvelous playhouse….I could have played Shelby, of course, but I’d already had the lead in two previous productions. It's the role that convinced the board to name the theater named after me.”

David looked at her with one eyebrow raised. “Yes, that and the very large donation Dad made to the theater foundation.”

Looking more than slightly offended, Moira said, “David you know that’s not the reason…”

Luckily, they were interrupted by a knock on the door and a polite call of, “Room Service.”


	14. The Store

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David and Patrick visit the Apothecary and David discovers something is missing.

By the time David and Patrick finished their meals, steak and eggs for David and an egg white omelet for Patrick, it was almost 1:30 in the afternoon. Patrick was still hungry considering he’d shared half of his omelet with Moira who had insisted she wasn’t hungry when they ordered but who hinted broadly that the food smelled wonderful and then asked outright if she could have “but a small taste.” That’s when he started to realize how like his mother David truly was and it just warmed his heart all the more. He really was a goner. Stevie and Rachel had left them to their meal saying that they needed to check in with Ruth.

David rubbed his eyes sleepily. He still hadn’t completely processed everything that had happened in the past five and a half hours, and he guessed it would take a long time before he would, but at the moment he was full, he was with Patrick, like with-with him, which felt completely wonderful and new, and at this very moment everything felt right in his world even though he knew everything should feel completely wrong.

Patrick gazed at him adoringly. “You know if the store is open, maybe we could go get a few things to wear.”

David beamed at him, “And that’s why you run the business side of things. You are always thinking!” He picked up the phone and called the front desk. 

“Stevie? Hi. Can we borrow your car?”

After bringing them her car keys, Stevie promised she would call Connor and let him know they were on their way over to the store. “He’s a good kid,” she assured them. “Alexis likes him and he’s got some good ideas he’s trying out.” She leveled a look at David. “So be nice to him David.”

David sputtered, “When am I ever NOT nice?” Patrick and Stevie both avoided making eye contact with him. David rolled his eyes. “Fine. I’ll be nice.”

When they got to the store, David grabbed Patrick’s hand and kissed it. “Are you nervous?”

“Yes. You?” Patrick replied.

“Yep.”

They sat for a few minutes longer each lost in his own thoughts and memories--both curious and terrified of what they might find.

“Let’s do this.” David finally said.

When they got to the front door, Patrick pulled David back. He looked down at their feet. “I’m sorry we have to go in barefoot, David.”

David wrapped his arms around him and hugged him close. “You beautiful man. That right there is one of the many things I love about you. You can read my mind. I was just thinking the same thing.”

Patrick leaned up and kissed his favorite spot on David’s neck—the one that was perfectly aligned with his lips. “It will be okay, just this once.”

Before they could untangle themselves, the door behind them opened. “You must be my new bosses?”

They both turned to look at a handsome early twenty-ish boy. David did a double-take. He knew this kid. At the same moment, the kid looked at him and said, “You! Ew!”

Patrick looked thoroughly confused. “You two know each other?” He paused, looking at the boy again somewhat horrified by the thought that had just crossed his mind, “David, please don’t tell me this another one of your exes?”

The man-child standing of front of them curled his lip disdainfully, “Oh God No! I would never!”

David made a low half-growl half sigh sound in the back of his throat. “Patrick, meet Connor. Connor, meet Patrick, my boyfriend.”

Connor shook hands with Patrick and stepped back into the store. “Well at least you finally came to your senses. I told you the friends with benefits thing would never work out.”

David looked like he wanted to punt him across the room. “And you,” he said his voice dripping with disdain, “Why are you still here? I thought you wanted nothing more than to get out of this town that makes you want to throw-up? Isn’t that what you said?”

Connor shrugged, “I’ve grown up a little since then. Besides, I like working for Alexis. You two?” Connor crossed his arms and tilted his head, “ Well, that remains to be seen.”

Patrick still had no clue how these two knew each other but by their sniping he knew there was some sort of history here. He also knew now was not the time—he wanted to see their store damnit and he really needed to get out of these sweats of Mutt’s—the only thing he could smell now was hay. “Ummm, Connor, was it? Can you show us around?”

Connor looked down at their bare feet and raised an eyebrow. He sighed an exaggerated sigh. “If you insist.”

To which David replied, “Oh, we insist. And as you already pointed out, we are your new bosses.”

Connor stepped aside to allow them access to the store which for the most part hadn’t changed all that much, except for a tacky display of t-shirts, shorts, flip-flops, floppy sun hats, and sunglasses in one corner at the back of the store. “Well those will have to go,” David said gesturing to the vulgar display. Patrick, on the other hand, was already on his way over to the display. He grabbed a pair of shorts, a t-shirt, and a pair of flip-flops and headed towards the back office. Connor held up a hand, “Where are you going? The dressing rooms are back there.”

Patrick looked confused. So maybe some things had changed, dressing rooms were new.

David let out a frustrated yelp behind him. “She didn’t! Uggg…I’m going to kill her.”

Patrick turned to look at him. “What?”

David gestured towards the back wall. Patrick followed where he was indicating but he didn’t see what David was seeing apparently.

“The stained-glass pieces are gone.” David said. “I had those made specifically for the store.”

Connor said, “Oh, you mean the penises?”

“I’m sorry,” Patrick asked eyebrows raised. “The what?”

“The penises,” David replied. “Yes, the penises. What happened to them?”

“What penises?” Patrick asked. 

“Oh they were these completely tacky stained-glass penises—and then these weird flower things on either side of them,” Connor said, “completely ridiculous if you ask me.”

David snorted. “Well, I didn’t ask you and they weren’t weird flower things, they were vulva. I had those pieces custom made!”

Patrick’s eyes were wide. “How did I not know that you had custom made penises and vulva hanging on our wall? How much did you PAY for those?”

David immediately started to back track…”I ordered them before, before you agreed to help with the store. I didn’t pay that much…really. And it was not tacky,” he said throwing a withering glance at Connor, “It was a nod to Georgia O’Keefe.”

Patrick started laughing at how flummoxed David was. “Just for that, David” he said turning back to the t-shirts and shorts display, “I get to pick out what you’ll be wearing for the remainder of the day.” He pulled out a hideous bright yellow shirt with a smiley face and the inevitable words “Schitt Happens” on the front and an equally hideous pair of tropical print shorts. 

“You wouldn’t,” David protested.

Patrick wiggled his eyebrows at him and winked. “I would.” Then he grabbed a pair of black flip-flops and said, “There, see it’s not all bad. I even picked out something with your signature color.” He pushed everything into David’s arms and turned him towards the dressing room. “You first.”

David flicked his eyes up and down Patrick. “Together,” he challenged.

Patrick blushed from his toes to the top of his head. He cleared his throat.

“Uggg!” Connor said from across the store. “You two are ridiculously cute. And I pretty much hate cute.”

David laughed. “Well, Connor, that’s one thing you and I have in common at least.”

Patrick grabbed David’s hand and pulled him towards the dressing room. “We’ll be right back Connor.”

Connor rolled his eyes and grimaced although he was secretly amused by these two funny old men who were apparently in control of his livelihood now.

David stood behind Patrick in the dressing room admiring how the tight white t-shirt Patrick had picked out accentuated his pecs. He slid his hands around to Patrick’s belly and rested his chin on Patrick’s shoulder. “You know I don’t really hate cute right? After all, you are my cute little button.”

Patrick looked back at him in the mirror and smirked. “I guess we both have a reason to be mad at Alexis. Me because I’m never gonna live down ‘Button’ and you because she got rid of your penises and vulva art. I AM going to figure out how much we paid for them eventually you know.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that. Five years is a long time and Alexis is even worse than I am with paperwork.”

Patrick groaned just thinking about the level of disarray he was going to have to deal with whenever they got back to running the store.

“So…” David said moving his lips against Patrick’s head, “We really should be furious with her.”

Patrick twisted around in David’s arms and leaned up for a kiss. After what felt like an eternity, he pulled away. “You do know how damned grateful I am to Alexis, right?”

David smiled softly. “Me too. But we must never tell her that.” Things might never be the same again, but that this place that meant so much to both of them was still here was a miracle that filled him with so much gratitude and love he didn’t know how he was ever going to be able to pay his dad and sister back for keeping it safe for them.

As though reading his mind, Patrick squeezed him a little tighter, “We’ll figure out a way, David. A way to thank them for keeping our vision alive.”


	15. A Multiverse of Gratitude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Roses are reunited and Patrick and David make a plan.

When Alexis and Mr. Rose got to the Rosebud Inn later that afternoon, there were more tears and hugs and stories to be shared. Mr. Rose couldn’t quit smiling. He felt like a drowning man who had been rescued at the last possible moment. He couldn’t take his eyes off Moira the whole evening. She, in return, basked in his attention. 

There was a moment when Stevie pulled him aside and told him she wanted to come back to the business when he thought his heart might explode from the joy of all of it. To have Moira, and David, and Alexis all back in the same room again and now to have Stevie, who was like his third child, back in arms reach; it was simply overwhelming. And Patrick, this funny buttoned up young man his son was so obviously head-over-heels in love with—well, his heart was full—fuller than it had been in a long time.

Stevie couldn’t remember the last time she’d been this happy. She was going to quit Larry Aire and come back to work with Rachel and Mr. Rose and all the amazing people she’d built relationships with as both a co-worker and friends over the past few years. She couldn’t even remember now why she’d wanted to leave in the first place. Something about needing a new adventure. Why would she possibly need a new adventure when her old one was such a gift? Besides, there were other new adventures to be had.

David made his way towards her later that night after Mr. and Mrs. Rose had excused themselves to Room 7 with strict orders not to be disturbed to which everyone except Patrick shouted “EW” simultaneously. Patrick thought it was sweet and found himself hoping his parents were having a similar reunion. He couldn’t wait to take David to meet them. “Hey, Alexis,” he said a little too loudly and a little too abruptly.

“Yes, Button?” Alexis answered.

“You think Connor can handle things at the store on his own for a couple of weeks?” Patrick asked.

“I don’t see why not. He’s been running the store on his own for the past year.”

Patrick smiled. “David, let’s go see my parents tomorrow?”

David, who had just taken a big sip from his beer, nearly choked. This was all happening way too soon, shit, could he do this? He wasn’t sure he could do this. Patrick put a steadying hand on his arm.

“It will be okay, David. We’re just going to meet my parents.”

David caught Alexis’ eyes over his shoulder. She blinked her crazy little two-eyed wink at him. David sighed and pulled Patrick into a tight hug. He leaned down and whispered, “I would love nothing more than to go meet your parents, but can you wait until the day after tomorrow? I feel like we should spend some time with Alexis.”

Patrick tightened his own grip on David. “Of course, I can wait a day or two,” Patrick said softly. He brushed his lips against David’s neck and closed his eyes relishing the twin emotions of love and joy filling his heart. Bigger still was the gratitude he felt. Gratitude that the multi-verse had chosen to bring them into each other’s lives. He couldn’t help feeling like this blip, or whatever people were calling it, was taking them down a path they may not have traveled quite as easily without it. 


	16. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Join us for the first ever Open Mic night at Rose Apothecary. Bring your wallets and your checkbooks. Let's give until it hurts for Homeless Blippers.

Several weeks after David and Patrick returned from visiting Patrick’s parents, Connor talked them into hosting an open mic night as a fundraiser for those in their community left homeless by the blip. The entire community came out to support Ray whose house had been sold by his parents; Ted, whose vet practice had become a second location for Miguel’s thriving practice; and for Bob, who Gwen and her new husband, Pastor Dodd were flat out refusing to help. There were others, of course, who would benefit from the event as well, but Ray, Ted, and Bob were the main reason the Schittheads were out in full force with their wallets and checkbooks ready.

Karen, who wasn’t exactly homeless, since Ronnie and Becky were letting her crash in the guest room, was looking forward to a night out and an opportunity to do a bit from her Vagina Monologue days. She’d realized that she and Ronnie hadn’t been doing all that well before all this happened and it was kind of a relief to be getting a fresh start without all the usual baggage of a breakup. All of the blippees were performing during the event, “singing for their supper,” as it were. 

Mrs. Rose and Jocelyn revived the Jazzagals to sing backup for their opening act. Moira was the headliner, of course, and decided at the very last minute to change to a mash-up of Bill Withers’ “Ain’t No Sunshine” and the Beatles “Hello, Goodbye” instead of Amy Grant’s “Baby Baby” and Sonny and Cher’s “I Got You Babe” which they’d rehearsed. Jocelyn had picked the Amy Grant and Sonny and Cher mash-up for a very specific reason but ended up stealing the show anyway when she took the opportunity to grab the mic at the end of the song and yelled out, “Hey, Roland. Guess who we’re gonna be saying hello to in about seven months?”

Roland thinking it was a joke, yelled back, “I hope it’s your mother—I could live without seeing her for seven months!”

Everyone laughed except Jocelyn and her mother.

“Rollie, why do you think I’ve been making you a Dorito casserole every night for a week?”

Roland wasn’t sure where this was going but decided to play along, “Because you wanna keep me as your husband?”

Jocelyn shouted back, “Rollie, how are you not getting this? When was the last time we even ate a Dorito casserole before this week?”

Roland looked around and then his eyes landed on Mutt who was standing behind Stevie with his arms wrapped around her waist. Roland’s eyes grew wide. “You’re not…?”

Jocelyn flashed him a ten-thousand-kilowatt smile. “Yep! We’re having a baby!” 

Everyone broke into a huge round of applause and started thumping Roland on the back. Mutt looked stunned. Stevie turned and looked up at him in dismay. Mutt slowly slid his hands over hers where they were resting protectively on her belly. ‘Holy Fuck,’ he thought, ‘My kid’s gonna have an aunt or uncle younger than them.’

David saw the moment between Stevie and Mutt from across the room and knew he and Patrick were probably going to get coerced into throwing a double baby shower in the near future. Or maybe he’d make Connor do it since the kid seemed to be good at pulling off big events. 

David knew Patrick was up next and was more than a little embarrassed—an Open Mic night wasn’t his idea of a good time—but since it was for a good cause, he’d relented.

Patrick grabbed the mic and said, “Wow, Jocelyn, that’s a really hard act to follow. But hey, at least my song goes right along with tonight’s theme apparently. I’d like to dedicate this song to the love of my life, David Rose.” Patrick scanned the room pretending he didn’t know exactly where David was. “There he is,” he nodded, “You can’t miss him.” He then proceeded to sing the most beautifully arranged version of Mariah Carey’s “You’ll always be my baby” that anyone had ever heard. He sang it straight to David who was no longer embarrassed—how could he be when he was falling even deeper in love with every chord? Rachel had tears streaming down her face and Clint and Marci were positively glowing—both from being so proud of their son’s talent and from seeing him so happy.

During Bob’s rap performance, Ronnie took the opportunity to sit down next to Pastor Hobbs and Gwen. After the snap, the religious kooks had come out of the woodwork--former evangelicals were so convinced the rapture had finally happened, they were just biding their time waiting for someone to start forcing everyone to get branded. Gwen’s pastor’s church had swelled to overflowing in the days and weeks following the vanishing with would-be converts convinced they were living through the end-times. His church was doing so well, he’d been able to build a nice big house outside of town and was able to afford TV commercials, a paid praise band, and with the life insurance policy Gwen had been able to cash in on Bob, they’d turned Bob’s garage into Pastor Dodd’s Hot Rods. The company marquee had become almost as notorious as the city sign and people came from all over to get their picture taken in front of the garage sign. “Find your next ride at Pastor Dodd’s Hot Rods—there was never a faster pastor.” The whole thing made Ronnie sick. She leaned over and told them she knew they’d been fooling around for years before Bob disappeared and then she wondered out loud why it was that no one ever considered why if the rapture was a real thing why Pastor Dodd hadn’t been called to glory with everyone else. She might have gone so far as to suggest that maybe it had something to do with the fact that he hadn’t been “right with God” in the lead up to the blip. 

Bob was stunned at the end of the night during the fund-raising auction when Pastor Dodd took the mic and said he and Gwen had “prayed on it” and they felt called to give Bob the deed to the fishing cabin and that they were going to give him 20% of the proceeds from Pastor Dodd’s Hot Rods as well. 

Bob and Roland weren’t the only people surprised that night. Twyla came out of the closet, so to speak, when she revealed that she’d won the lottery. She explained that she’d created a trust that bore her name. Although she didn’t say how much she’d won, she did admit that her initial winnings had grown considerably during the time she’d been gone. She handed Ray the keys to his house, which she’d purchased outright from the current owner. She also read a letter addressed to Ted asking him to lead a three-year research project in the Galapagos Islands funded by her foundation. Ted was thrilled. He proclaimed that he’d always loved turtles and he couldn’t believe that Twyla would remember something like that. Jonny put his arm around Alexis whose face had fallen as Twyla read the letter. She plastered a smile on her face, looked at her father, smiled a sad little smile and then lifted her chin. She’d already lost Ted once, she could do it again—only this time she’d know for sure he was doing something that was making him happy.

As the evening wound down, David started getting more and more nervous. He did NOT want to do this. Why had he agreed to this terrible idea for a grand finale? Patrick nudged him with his shoulder, “You’re almost up. You ready?”

David squirmed. “No.” He poured another full glass of Prosecco and downed it. He tipped his head back, closed his eyes, and centered himself. “Now I am,” he said squaring his shoulders and making his way to the stage. 

Everyone agreed it was the best Lip-Sync performance—some even went so far as to suggest that David send in an audition tape for RuPaul’s _Drag Race_. Towards the end of David’s performance, the other Blippees joined him on stage where they all held their hands out towards the crowd of friends and family gathered there to raise money for them and sang the final chorus, belting out the words as loudly as they could:

_“Oh, Baby, don’t let go._

_You’re the best, better than all the rest._

_Better than anyone, anyone I’ve ever met._

_I’m stuck on your heart_

_I hang on every word you say_

_Tear us apart_

_Baby, I would rather be dead_

_Oh, you’re the best.”_

At the end of the night, Connor, David, Patrick, Stevie, and Alexis stood by the door thanking people for coming and handing out commemorative t-shirts. They were bright yellow, which, Connor had been forced to point out to David, was their best-selling t-shirt color, and had a picture of Dr. Banner on the front. 

At one point, David looked down at the shirt Patrick had forced him to put on over the top of his perfectly torn sweater and said, “I still don’t understand why we couldn’t put Tony on the front?” 

Stevie promptly responded, “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you have a thing for Iron Man.” David scoffed. He turned to say something to Patrick and noticed that Patrick’s ears were turning red. 

“So…Patrick,” he said impishly. “Tell us. Would you have preferred these shirts if we’d put Iron Man on the front?”

Alexis looked at Patrick who was now full-blushing. “Oh, leave the Button alone, David. Who wouldn’t prefer Iron Man to this hulking creature whoever he is?” She asked completely oblivious to what she’d just said.

Connor snort laughed, “I don’t really care who’s on the front. I love the back.” 

They all nodded in agreement. The back really did say it all. 

Across the back was a picture of a huge hand wearing an iron gauntlet. It was embedded with six colored stones. The artist had depicted the fingers in mid-snap. Underneath, in big bold letters, were the words, _**Snap that Schitt.**_

**Author's Note:**

> **Prompt:**
> 
> Everything was perfect. They had just gotten married, the store was thriving, and all of the puzzle pieces had fallen into place. 
> 
> And then the Blip happened.
> 
> Alternatively: Patrick and David meet in the aftermath of the Snap.
> 
> (also, i kinda want there to be as little reference to the actual avengers universe as possible other than the obvious. i just think the concept of someone you love fading away before your eyes only for them to return five years later is really interesting. and heartbreaking.)
> 
> This work diverges from the prompt in two ways; timing and who gets dusted. Regarding timing--according to the MCU (Marvel Cinematic Universe) Thanos snapped between 3-5 pm on a summer day in Wakanda. That would be 7-9 AM in Schitt’s Creek. The snap occurred in 2018 after David and Patrick had already met. Although this is fiction and we can do anything we want, I decided to be true to the Avenger’s AND Schitt’s Creek timeline, which means David and Patrick could not be married yet. Second, although I tried to write this with one or the other of our two heroes getting dusted, I just couldn’t do it. I hope the prompter finds that, like David, they are “good either way.”
> 
> I did honor the prompter’s other wish, however. While there are a few obvious nods to the MCU (and a couple of Easter Eggs for true fans), there are no other references to the Avengers. Conveniently, the first snap occurred on the morning after David and Patrick had “alone” time at Stevie’s. This piece takes place in the eight hours following the second snap. It’s now 2023 and the lucky (or unlucky) Schitt’s Creek residents who were dusted in the blip have now found themselves unceremoniously “un-dusted” and returned to whatever they were doing between 7-9AM on a Saturday morning in Schitt’s Creek.
> 
> Thanks to my Discord “frans” and my beta readers.


End file.
